Today, I am feeling a stab in my side
the place where the spear entered and released my blood and water,
spilling wine and amniotic fluid into the soil.
Each breath brings a renewed sharp edge
like broken glass jabbing into my ribs.
Who would have known my “I do” would become an inescapable, slow, zombie-like death
where my captor and slave master would feel justified in
eating my brains and sucking every last drop of life blood from me?
He owns me.
Or does he?
No. I belong to my Master in heaven.
Even in the pain, I choose to take another breath
because each breath comes from my Maker.
No human can truly take Him from me — Can take my freedom in Him.
I lent my body and blood to my children
to his children!
Six in all!
But they are not his children, but His.
They are the children of the Lord of the whole Earth.
The children of the One whose side was pierced.
Out of His side flowed wine and amniotic fluid.
His blood was shed to give me birth
to give birth to my children.
And so… today I will live like a monk.
I give my body and pain and betrayal to You, Jesus
Even my Judas.
And I will trust the pain will make me whole.
I will remember the suffering of all Your disciples.
I will listen. I will float in the river of Your Mercy
And feel the coolness of the water as it envelops me
or is it warmth? The warmth of Your womb
as I wait for Your Kingdom, Your birthing of me?
There will be another day,
another gift of sunshine on my skin,
of dog licks and puppy fur
of watching each child hit a new landmark
There will be sickness, death, winter, summer,
night, day, birth and marriage.
And You will be forever there,
lingering in the wind around and in me
like incense, the smell of daffodil,
the smell of spring.
No. In spite of my divorce all those years ago, I am His!
I am not his, but His.
This home, this tent, so full of brokenness, stress and pain
is also full of Him: His breath. His Word. His Love.
My body and everything I am belongs to Him.
And even when I’m given gall in return for my best effort,
I will choose to stay with My God, who was given gall for His.
because He refuses to let me go.
I and my children belong to Him just as my arm belongs to my body.
Today I am His.
Forever I am His.